An Introvert’s Guide to Navigating Parties

Parties are great for catching up with people, meeting new romantic interests, drinking, yelling at dirtbags with little consequence, and dancing. They’re not so great for introverts. In fact, they’re exhausting.

As your loyal friend/relative/stranger I can tell you that you will persevere. Never sacrifice your social dignity by staying at home.

Here are some Survival Strategies

  1. Melt into the most comfortable couch in the house and pretend like you’re listening to your Great Aunt spill the details of her latest bipass surgery to your cousin. If you get caught closing your eyes for a post-lunch snooze, just say you were practicing your visualiztion skills.
  2. Find the youngest people at the party and do what they’re doing. They have the most fun with the least amount of talking required. There’s likely to be badminton games, cards, or meaningless baby babble, but no small talk.
  3. Explore the house. With the liscence of taking a bathroom break, you can go on a self-directed reconasissance mission to discover the other side of the graduate. You may find that the side behind the gleaming senior photos is a darker one than you thought. When the mission is complete, you’ll have ammunition even better than small talk.
  4. Explore the neighborhood. Maybe the dog is neglected in the wake of festivity preparation and has been scratching at the door for the past four hours. It probably needs to go to the bathroom. Take the dog for the longest walk it has even been on.
  5. Talk to the sad person who has resorted to lonely corner-dwelling. You probably have a lot in common with them and you can pat yourself on the back for saving someone else’s social dignity along with your own.
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